Conflict is an inevitable part of life, ranging from lively, healthy debate over simple differences of opinion to a mean, nasty, destructive experience like war. Unfortunately, many people struggle to have civil exchanges of differing ideas without getting personal or nasty. To avoid the nastiness, some avoid conflict altogether. However, conflict can be managed in a way that is not just good, but beneficial. Well-managed conflict can reconcile differences, strengthen relationships, and generate great ideas.

Remember, much of healthy conflict management depends on you, your perspectives, and how you and others handle yourselves in the interactions and negotiations. Higher expectations and rigid beliefs usually generate more, but you also have the ability to manage these situations.

Let’s consider interpersonal conflict in the family, at work, and in supervision and move toward mastery in managing the situation and steering it toward a beneficial outcome. It’s important to note that such outcomes do not necessarily involve agreement or “resolving” the conflict. Conflict resolution is a false assumption since no two people ever have 100% agreement.

Conflict involves defending a position, and underlying this is the need to protect your self-esteem and the need to be right. This defensive impulse will naturally and automatically produce strong, defensive, reactive emotions such as anger and fear concurrent with the fight, flight, or freeze reaction. Managing anxiety is crucial in conflict management, as it can hinder clear thinking and productive communication.

The intense emotions I’m referring to are what I call anxiety. These feelings can be acknowledged and controlled or left unchecked, leading to unproductive behavior. Unproductive defensive behaviors will only escalate the conflict, worsening defensive emotions and behaviors in the other person. Furthermore, anxiety impairs your ability to think clearly and creatively, to listen and communicate, and to explore options, among other things. Therefore, a key aim in managing conflict is to reduce anxiety and create a calmer, more rational experience.

Conflict need not be “nasty” and “mean.” Our goal here is to equip you with the tools to navigate conflict gracefully and effectively. Here is a step-by-step tip that can help you manage the conflict by managing yourself and the situation toward productive ends:

Reduce the anxiety in the situation.
If you don’t do this, the emotions in the conflict will likely escalate, hindering clear thinking, productive communication, and the discovery of options for compromise. Warning: This approach to reducing the anxiety in a conflict situation involves the most counterintuitive things you can imagine doing.

1. Expect that all parties in the conflict will feel anxious, defensive, and driven to fight, run, or hide behavior. But remember, you can choose a more productive behavior than what your feelings urge.
2. In the encounter, when you begin to feel anxious, take a deep breath from your abdomen (not by raising your chest). Without making a show of it, slowly do this again, and then a third time. This will begin reducing your anxiety.
3. Avoid holding your breath and breathe normally, taking another deep breath as needed.
4. Listen deeply and curiously. Avoid verbal responses or thinking about what you want to say.
5. When the other person pauses and takes a breath, hold silence for a count of 4. Then, with a calm voice and measured pace, say, “I think I understand what you are saying. Could you say more about it?” This can further reduce their anxiety and yours. The chances are very good that they will have little more to say.
6. Ask questions to clarify anything they said that is unclear to you. Keep a measured pace and a calm voice.
7. If you have achieved a calmer, more rational atmosphere, proceed to dialog about the issue. If anxiety rises, begin again with #1.
8. If you have not yet achieved a calmer, more rational atmosphere, say, “I think I understand and need time to think about it.” Schedule a time with them to get back together, and be sure to follow through.

This approach is especially effective when you are caught off guard by a confrontation or when anxiety suddenly arises during a conversation.

I work with clients on techniques like this very often. Please get in touch with me today if you would like some support with managing conflict gracefully and masterfully.